One product that’s always seemed to deliver compelling endorsement opportunities is milk. It’s wholesome, all-american, and it has a simple advertising concept: all you have to do is sport a milk mustache. Plug in a popular celebrity or recognizable athlete and you’ve got a winning combo.
But let’s be honest: milk fucking sucks. Sure, it’s okay at the bottom of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch bowl or when you’re dunking cookies in it, but on it’s own, it’s chalky, smells funny, and doesn’t even quench your thirst.
So as we reflected on the emerging stars in the NFL and the sponsorship opportunities they’d be seeing this offseason, one player in particular came to mind: Michael Oher. Not only did Oher finish second in the Offensive ROTY balloting, but he’s also the guy whose story has touched millions through the Hollywood blockbuster about his life. He’s a dream come true for the Diary Farmers of America.
Like the rest of nation, we here at the GSF love Michael Oher. But we want to help the big guy avoid some of the pitfalls have tarnished countless other athletes’ legacies. Who can forget Joe Namath’s infamous decision to don Beautymist pantyhose? And there’s no denying that the combination of Michael Strahan, Justin Tuck and Jared the Subway Guy is absolutely terrible.
So when the Dairy Farmers come knocking with their fat check in hand, we’re hoping that Big Mike resists the temptation. He’s not just any athlete – this is Sandra Bullock’s son we’re talking about — and he shouldn’t be grouped with all the other schlubs who’ve donned a dairy ‘stache in the past.
Lucky for Oher, there are other opportunities out there. In fact, there’s another creamy beverage that’s just as nutritious, in need of a fresh marketing campaign, and happens to kick a hell of a lot more ass: Yoo-hoo.
Run with it, unnamed ad agency. The combination of Oher and a full daily dosage of Niacin is tough to beat, and Big Mike and Yoo-Hoo are two things impossible not to love. If it was good enough for Yogi, it’s good enough for Oher: