Wild-Card Weekend, Re-Run Style

John Ritter knew where to put his hands.

Wild-Card weekend might be the most exciting two days of the season. And this year there’s a twist, as three wild card games feature rematches of teams that squared off against each other just this past weekend.

But that doesn’t mean we should tune out. What red-blooded American didn’t spent his childhood glued to TV re-runs? No one can disparage the 6–7 pm time slot featuring the Jeffersons/MASH combo, and only a cold heart could say that Mr. Belvedere didn’t have a polite charm…especially when you were watching the same episode for the fourth time.

So we thought we’d break down this weekend’s matchups by comparing them to our favorite re-runs:

Eagles vs. Cowboys: Three’s Company.

Let’s face it, Jack Tripper was always a third wheel, and this past season in the NFC East, so were the New York Giants. Once they’re forced out of the picture, the stars of the show can shine. With their flashiness and abundant Romosexuality, the Cowboys are undoubtedly Suzanne Sommers’ free-spirited character of Chrissy — the hot blonde who never failed to spice up Apartment 201. Meanwhile, plagued all year by horrible inconsistency, the Eagles bear resemblance to Janet, a female who defied categorization. One day her brown bob would make your sweatpants itchy, and the next she’d resemble Rosie O’Donnell. It’s the same with the Eagles — which team will show up this Sunday?

Jets vs. Bengals: Growing Pains

All year long, the Jets have relied upon the performance of Mark Sanchez, much like Growing Pains relied on the talents of Kirk Cameron. Charming, good-looking and personable — Sanchez and Mike Seaver have a lot in common. In Sanchez’s first season as a starter, he’s seen his share of ups and downs; one week he nearly beats the undefeated Saints and the next he’s throwing five interceptions against the Patriots. Similarly, for every date that Mike Seaver landed with the head cheerleader, he’d also get caught taking his Dad’s car out for a spin without a license, necessitating yet another awkward father-son convo while shooting hoops in the driveway. At least Mike Seaver could retire to his bedroom above the garage to relax…

Packers vs. Cardinals: Knight Rider

Aaron Rodgers and Kurt Warner are a lot like David Hasselhoff’s character in Knight Rider. Hasselhoff was cool enough, sure, but it wasn’t until he got behind the wheel of his bad-ass car that we were really interested in the show. By the same token, whether it’s Fitzgerald, Boldin, Ryan Grant or Greg Jennings — we’re really only interested in Rodgers and Warner when they make use of all the tools at their disposal.

Tags: Growing Pains, Hasselhoff at his best, Kurt Warner, Mike Seaver and Mark Sanchez, Mr. Belvedere is the man, NFC Beast, Night Rider, Three's Company, Tony and the Romosexuals, Wild Card Weekend

Category: Football