As an alumnus of Florida State, I’ve known a lot of people who’ve gone to jail. And generally, when someone gets out, there’s some sort of celebration. Whether it’s a party or a barbecue, it’s important to bring friends and family together over some ribs, chicken and, of course, spiked Kool-Aid.
But that’s not to say that things go back to normal once you’re free. The experience of prison makes you appreciate a lot of things, such as a home-cooked meal or taking a shower without an obese Mexican dude asking if he can soap your thighs. But there’s no question as to what prison makes you miss the most: a woman’s touch. Don’t matter if they’re short or tall, black or white, round or extremely round…being in jail will open your eyes to the female body in ways you never before imagined. Your gap-toothed neighbor will suddenly resemble Pam Grier. You’ll get turned on by the cover of National Geographic. And your friends will most definitely be shocked when you refer to Star Jones as a “fine piece of ass.”
So, what advice do I have for Donte Stallworth? Stuff a grand in your pocket, sandwich yourself between two Ukrainian strippers, and don’t look back. You’ll remember why being a free American man is worth staying within the law.