With the attention of the sports world focused squarely on March Madness, it’s easy to forget that many of the players we’ll be watching over the next few weeks can’t legally enjoy a cocktail, and some of the most exciting players in the tournament weren’t even born before 1990.
So while guys like John Wall are living the dream, young men like Jon Wallenstein (cousin of the GSF’s own Henry Lowenfels) are forgotten, living the typical lives of pimple-faced teens. For the sake of comparison, we put together a handy chart that maps out the differences between the 19-year-old hero and 19-year-old zero.
|Name||John Wall||Jon Wallenstein|
|High School||Word of God Christian Acadamy||Yeshiva Hebrew High School|
|Proudest Accomplishment||Dishing out 16 assists in one game, a Kentucky record||Eating 16 pizza bites in under 2 minutes, a Yeshiva cafeteria record|
|Nickname||The Great Wall of Kentucky||Dingleberry Johnson (“2nd grade was a bitch…”)|
|Patented Dance Move||The John Wall Dance, made famous at Big Blue Madness 2009||The Shabbos Shuffle, made famous at the Horowitz Bar Mitzvah|
|Favorite Kardashian||Kim’s face, Khloe’s ass||n/a (“Mom says Armenians are worse than Arabs”)|
|In his free time…||Cures cancer, walks on water||Picks nose, eats boogers|
|Favorite W’s||Women and Whiskey||World of Warcraft, Whitefish|
|Coach Speak||“John is a program builder not a taker. He has great pride in his ability and wants to make a statement this season. He’s a player coaches dream about because he’s a natural leader with the skill to make others better. His length should allow him to be a force on the defensive end from day one.” – Coach John Calipari||“Jon is a selfish little prick, and the only reason he made the JV squad was because Rubenstein strained his shoulder in a freak Torah lifting accident. Wallenstein’s the kinda kid who cries when he skins his knee and is completely unwilling to go the extra mile. And I’m honestly not sure if he’s ever brushed his teeth. – Coach Marty Feldman|