“Signed, Sealed & Delivered” by Harold Billingsworth

All eyes were on Orrin Hatch yesterday, the curmudgeonly Senator from Utah, whose hatred of the BCS system has somehow made national news. His inaccurate portrayal of my organization has led to negative press coverage, a looming antitrust suit, and a stomach ulcer that’s giving me terrible gas. So, needless to say, I hate that Mormon-lover more than blended scotch.

The song remains the same, Senator…

But fortunately here at the BCS, we pay no attention to politics and we treat public opinion like the speed limit: we don’t listen to it. So it was no surprise yesterday afternoon, when the Mountain West Conference signed an agreement binding them to the BCS through 2013. Senator Hatch’s plan to create an eight-team playoff system is now officially buried for four more years, and my employees can go back to their number-crunching and complex algorithms with a renewed sense of job security.

Still, the Mountain West’s official statement shows they’re unhappy, and they’re somehow unwilling to admit that this fight is over. I run this operation with an iron fist; there won’t be anyone who isn’t towing the company line. And if Hatch or the MWC brings up playoffs again, I’ll make them disappear faster than a gypsy in Stalinist Russia.

Category: College