With everyone from Phil Mickelson to Jack Nicklaus lining up to jerk Tiger off, it seemed his return to golf could cure all our nation’s ills in one clean sweep. Tiger would win dramatically, Wall Street would get its act together, and the homeless shelter would finally get the Wi-Fi I’ve been asking for.
But with Tiger’s loss to some South African punk yesterday, it’s clear that there’ll be no easy fix. Spring is nowhere in sight, and I’m re-enforcing my cardboard hut, America, getting ready for the long road ahead – this shitstorm isn’t gonna clear anytime in the near future.
All we need now is for Derek Jeter to admit that he’s ‘roided up, and this nation is on the verge of an all out collapse.